Sugar and Sinnamon

Moment After Realization

What the hell happened. Were you really so blind that you didn't realize you were falling in love with him?

A shadow of fear ran through you as you realized this and you were afraid of what you were going to do next. You didn't want to ruin this friendship, but that didn't mean that somewhere inside you didn't want to stop pretending. Damn, you thought about what it would be like if you could cuddle him, sit on his lap, or sleep in the same bed without thinking that you were just doing it for the fun of pretending to be in a relationship. On the other hand, your friendship wasn't all that different from what relationships were like, right? You could still hold his hand or hug him, so why did you need to tell him that you felt something more for him?

Unfortunately, some fucking thought in your head told you that you wanted him to know. Did you even want to take the risk? Yeah, you thought that yes. You groaned, pulling your legs up. Alastor had been open about how he didn't value any relationships and was actively avoiding anything related to it, and you were here, in love with him and wondering if maybe he loved you back. Could you be in a more hopeless situation? Probably yes, but that didn't mean you felt any better about it.

You realized how sick the whole situation was. You and Alastor pretended to have a relationship, you unknowingly fell in love with him and didn't realize it until someone told you, and a moment later you were thinking about telling him about it. You suddenly felt like an idiot, even more than before. What did people do in such situations? When you were matchmaking others it was easier because you were trying to convince them to ask the other person out or reveal their feelings, but when you were in this situation everything suddenly seemed more complicated. What were you supposed to do? Ask Alastor out on a date? It wouldn't be any different from when you went for a walk or spent time together. Were you supposed to tell him you love him? You can love in a friendly, purely platonic way! How could someone tell whether they loved someone platonically or romantically?

You thought about all the movies where you saw people in love and realized that they had it easier because for some reason you didn't experience those butterflies in your stomach or hearts in your eyes when you saw Alastor. It wasn't like you felt the need to kiss him, although when you thought about it you felt embarrassed, feeling like you wouldn't be offended if it happened. You knew Alastor didn't like touch, and you weren't a fan of it either, but you liked it when he touched you, and by the way he pushed himself against you to scratch his head, you could tell he liked it too. It was complicated, scratching head isn't a big deal right? Anyone can do it. Just as everyone may want to hold someone's hand, or cuddle up in front of the fireplace on cold evenings, or sleep in the same bed, or make sandwiches for the other person in the morning for work. They were ordinary things, you thought. You groaned at your knees, knowing that you couldn't ask Rosie about it, because she might tell him. Not that you really had anyone to talk to about it, Rosie seemed like the most rational person and probably knew about romantic things. Why did someone think that falling in love, which must manifest itself differently in everyone, was a good idea? Why couldn't you just have butterflies in your stomach, hearts in your eyes, the need to kiss him and do other things that other lovers felt? Damn it...

"Darling?" Alastor's head appeared in the doorway and you jumped in surprise "Everything's all right?"

"Yes?" you lowered your legs, smoothing your skirts, and looked at him questioningly "Why are you asking?"

"I've been calling for you for several minutes, but you didn't respond!" He entered the room "Has something happened? Want to talk about something?"

Oh you fucking want to.

"Everything's fine, I was just lost in thought." you said instead "Why did you call me?"

"I thought you might want to prepare dinner with me! Or at least sit in the kitchen while I do it, my dear!" He said happily, but something was wrong with him