KIBA ; STRAY KIDS

20 ; KIBA

Waking up every morning was starting to get hard and harder, not because we were up at 7am every morning to get ready for the day and attend events and promotions for God's Menu, no. It was hard because their was awkward tension between Seungmin and I. I wasn't cut out to deal with confrontation - I usually run from my problems.

We weren't really talking to each other, we were always with the rest of the group. Even when we were found alone, we wouldn't talk or look at each other and it was super weird. I wonder if the rest of the members knew if something was up.

We had started filming for Blueprint music video today, and it didn't help that Seungmin looked so good all day while filming. I just tried my best not to look at him and did my solo shots with sparklers by the sea. As much as I didn't like the beach, this music video was super nice to film.

While the night grew darker as we were finishing filming, I was pulled aside by Chan. I don't know what it was but the white dress shirts we were all wearing were super sheen and Chan looked good too.

"Can I speak to you?" He asked and I nodded, nervous about what he might say, "I just notice you've been quieter than usual. Everything okay?"

I nodded, but couldn't pull myself to look at him. Chan is one of those people that can look you in the eyes and immediately tell what your feeling.

"Come on Kiba, what's going on?" Chan pushed, and I could feel my head get heavy and my eyes sting just a little. 

The night I had that panic attack was scary, and I can remember every worrying feeling I had. I'm scared of who I am, and I'm scared of the boys finding out.

"Nothings wrong, promise." I said and held out my pinkie but I still couldn't look at him. 

"Look. If somethings wrong then I want you to work it out. I'm happy to help as well, but the production team aren't happy with your performance apparently. I overheard them saying they might cut a lot of your parts from the video."

"Nice. Let them." 

I walked away, suddenly disheartened and angry. I couldn't tell if I was angry at the production team suddenly or Chan for the way he said it or myself, for being down over a conversation in an elevator which happened days ago. I went to the edge of the set, where no lights or cameras were and dipped my bare feet into the very cold sea.

I just looked out at the sun which was going down as time went on. I quite liked the silence around me, only the sea splashing on the sand was heard. I was at peace, although the sand between my toes was making me less comfortable. In the distance, the voices of the members were getting louder as Han and Minho were getting ready for a shot.

"You okay Kiba?" I turned to the voice, and there he stood. Seungmin. 

"Mmmh." I mumbled as I looked back out at the long stretching sea. I didn't really feel like talking to him, but I did want to clear away the awkwardness between us. I knew I didn't have a shot now.

"Where you out here alone?"

"I want to be alone." I said bluntly even if it hurt to say it so rudely.

"I'm older than you you know. You should respect me." Seungmin chuckled as he now stood beside me, his arm brushing mine.

"I grew up in England, I respect people who respect me first." I said. 

My nickname 'troublemaker' actually started when I did an Interview with a Korean Interviewer and they called me several names with a laugh. The social structure in Korea was already a cultural shock to me when I arrived in Korea but the demand for respect by the older generation even when they were rude to you was a bit of a joke to me.

 I tried to be respectful back to the interviewer but by the end I started speaking informally to him and calling him out for his behaviour. He called me 'troublemaker' then I left the interview. Luckily, I wasn't condemned for my actions and I got support from it. He was a problematic interviewer and his show got shut down not a while after.

"I respect you." Seungmin said confused. I forgot he was there, I was thinking back. 

"Mmmh." I gave the same response before, hoping he would pick up the fact I want to be alone.

"You haven't spoke to me in a while..." He said, I could feel his eyes on my cheek, "Why?"

"Don't want to." I shrugged. How could I tell him that what he said in the elevator actually kind of offended me?

"Yes you do. A few days ago we were like best friends." He continued, "Did I do something?"

"Yes!" I nearly shouted out as I turned to him. I saw his eyes widen and he took a step back, "You did."

"Well can I fix it?" 

"If you can fix blatant homophobia then go for it." I shrugged, and turned to join the group behind the camera watching Minho and Han mess around for the video. 

I shuddered, it was cold out now. I was cold on the inside too. Perhaps it was my lack of heart that really made me a troublemaker, but I don't like that title - I wasn't a cold hearted person, I was just used to being let down and thrown away.