First There Was You

Chapter 36: Greyson

July 26

Loon Call Island, Lake Rosseau, Muskoka

Sweat rolls down my face, and I swipe my arm over my forehead, clearing my vision as I sprint through the woods.

The pound of my heart, the tightness in my chest, the burn of my muscles feels good. I push myself harder, craving it.

Between work, Elle, spending time with my friends and Liam, I've neglected my training, and with only four weeks until the pre-season kicks off again, I need to focus.

At the end of the season after sophomore year Coach sat me down. He wanted me to give up playing at school, pushing me to make a change for the Ontario Hockey League, but I told him no. Again.

The rink is the only place I can leave it all on the bench. When I step out on the ice, nothing else matters. There is only one expectation of me: play a good game to beat the opposition.

Liam and I had been like a well-oiled machine. He was the best goalie I've ever played with, and he knew I'd defend the net. We cycled through several other D-Men, it never really mattered. Between Liam and I, no one had a chance.

But this year, I'm torn. It will be the first year in over a decade I don't step on the ice with Liam. Coach opened the door for me again at the end of Junior year, but with everything going on with Liam, I hadn't been up for it.

Now? I'm still not up for a new team, not now. I need to see the team through, since Liam was poised for the captain's position in our Senior year.

Not that I'll ever fill his shoes in the team, no one could. But after talking to him and Coach in June, we agreed that I'd step up. I've never had anyone depend on me before, it's just another weight on my shoulders for the fall. How can I lead a team, when my life is such a mess? I still haven't told anyone. Not even Elle.

Coach didn't fully understand my decisions, but despite my own doubt and apprehension, my mind is made up. I'm going to do it the right way, or not at all. Captain the team for Senior year, get into a decent school, hope I can get a scholarship so I can control my own future, and not be pushed by my dad over the financial obligation.

Plus, I won't be able to play hockey forever, and unlike so many others, I don't want to be some washed up meathead when my career ends. If I even get a shot.

Hell, I could get a shot, then get injured the first game out, that's just the way it goes.

So, my decision was final, for better or worse. School first, then hockey. I'd registered as a student athlete for the NCAA in Junior year, and I'd taken the SATs for the first time last year, which nearly crushed me, but I did okay. I might still retake them this autumn, we'll see what the guidance and admissions counselors say. Not that they care particularly, glorified administrative paper pushers, but they remain adamant at least that I'll be accepted to a division one school in Canada at the very least. But I'm holding out for the American schools.

Just another thing for me to worry about and the uncertainty is eating at me. All I want is to have the freedom to make my own choices.

Dad is clearly disappointed in my decision, as he is with most of my decisions when they're not the same as his. He thinks I should leave school, take my shot at going pro, then worry about college if I don't cut it. He's made it perfectly clear what he thinks of my academic prospects. According to him, I don't have any. He's full tilt on the sports getting me through.

Mom supports my decision though, and the quiet pride I see in her eyes is all the validation I need.

It's been a long time since I've seen that look in her eyes. It's been a long time since I've wanted to put that look there. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only thing uniting my parents, and with every step I take on my own, they seem to drift further apart. Especially when I make decisions that only pleases one of them which is all I seem to be able to do.