Desiring You

Chapter 33

Miley

I was hiding.

But I wasn't sure from whom. Was it Aiden? Was it his schedule which engaged me in different activities? Or was it my catastrophic thinking? The question was like a constant ringing alarm causing me a severe headache.

Pushing the strands away from my eyes I wiped the droplets formed on my forehead. Hiding my head between my arms which caged my head like a snake, I thought again. Another knock scared me and Aiden told me to come out of the bathroom.

Since last night, Aiden didn't leave my side. He told me I was screaming for help but he didn't know the reason. All he knew was that I was having a nightmare, this time I was tied tightly and my body couldn't move. Standing in front of me was my dad, not alive but dead and I was left there sitting to look at his corpse for hours and hours. The morphed face which held no expression was staring at me. I screamed despairingly during the never ending ordeal.
Even the thought of the nightmare brought a sharp pain in my heart and I took deep breaths to breathe normally.

Suddenly, the door opened and Aiden came rushing to my side.
"Talk to me" he said enclosing my body within his.

"It was dad" I said. "I saw him. He was in front of me."

I was looking at his bent knee when he detached us. His hands cupped my cheeks and brought my face to look at his.

"Then?" He asked and I closed my eyes in fear. Another hug was followed after the tears started betraying their way out of my eyes.

"You need to talk, Miley. Don't keep it inside you."

"He was dead... B-but he was looking at me right in the eyes. He... His face was smeared with b-blood." I sobbed in his shoulders. He picked me up from the toilet seat I was sitting on and caried me in the room. Settling down on the bed, he waited for me to continue. But I never did, all I did was cry like a loser I was.

"Miley... Stop crying over there alone like no one is there for you. I'm here, for you. You can't cry over a nightmare which isn't even true. You can't always cry over your thoughts and nightmares. You have to fight it, you have to bravely refuse to cry over the past. Your crying won't change anything, your crying won't even make you feel better until you don't want to feel better. All it will do is add more reasons to cry over and then you will find yourself in an endless loop of misery. You have to believe in yourself. Don't hate on yourself like you are your own enemy. If you feel you are alone, then look at me. Where am I? Right here, in front of you telling you that you are not wrong. Supporting you. You. Are. Not. Alone."

"He was looking at me right in the eyes... With hatred" I whispered. Another image of him appeared in my mind and jolt of fear ran down my spine making my hair stand on my limbs.

"Right now I'm looking at you in the eyes. Tell me what do you see?"

I looked at him but removed my gaze from him as another tear slipped my bleary eye.

"Love, it's love. Love for you. For the person who is sitting in front of me. The person who will go through all of this and will come out even stronger. Now you, my love will stand up and meditate as we had planned earlier, okay?"

"Love?" I whispered in mockery.

"What? Do not tell me you don't believe me" he crossed his arms around his chest dramatically. "Of course, I do. Remember the day I confessed and you slapped a rejection on my face" he nearly laughed which didn't seem right like his usual laughter was. "My feelings never faded instead they grew stronger."

Now, his face was on my shoulder hiding his emotions from me. A jolt of sympathy ran through my body when I held his hand and pulled him gently on the bed beside me.

When he was settled I started, "when I was fourteen, mom brought a man in the house. She always did and I was too scared to mention this to dad. He touched me somewhere I never wanted to be touched by some random man. He was testing my body like I was a doll but before things could go terrible mom appeared and told him to leave... But dad saw that man. To save herself she blamed me of bringing the man home." I paused and looked at Aiden who was listening everything attentively. His expressions were unreadable, before I could think of a reason to stop sharing my story Aiden pulled my body towards him. My head met his chest and I heard the rapid heartbeats. He held my hand and gave it a light kiss.

"Dad looked at me last time and walked out of the house... And then the car..." Tear followed by tears rolled down my cheeks. "I can't forget that face when he looked at me in the eyes. I can't forget that moment when his body met the car and he flew across the road. His blood touched my body... I can't forget this."

I clutched his shirt in my hand and sobbed.

"It wasn't your fault" he said after a long silence. For a moment I thought he started hating me but then he proved me wrong after this statement.
"Your mother, it was her fault. You were just a child, who was getting harrassed and whose mother wasn't human enough to admit it. It was all her fault."

"She still blames me. She left me after dad died and whenever I called, she started blaming me so nana told me to never call her again. She didn't even attended dad's funeral."

"She's a b*tch. Because of her, you had to suffer. She isn't worthy enough to be called a mom.  And you, don't even start blaming you. I'll tattoo this sentence on my forehead for you to believe. You understand me? Say, it isn't your fault." He pulled me up to match his eye level. "Say it" he commanded firmly.

"I-it is not my fault" I said with teary eyes. My voice broke and I buried my face in his chest.

"Yes, remember to say this every single day until you understand that."

We stayed like this for a while. He lightly scratched my head while I felt my heart feel the lightness. It was true when Jessica said sharing feelings helped. I was feeling fresh, fresher than I ever felt even after the meditation. This was the first time I was feeling happy from inside without any reason. It was like the happiness was there just like my organs.

And to add more reasons to my happiness Aiden whispered "I really love you."

I looked up to see his eyes closed. I didn't know whether he said it intentionally or unintentionally. All I had was just a 'I really love you.'