Love, Cancer & Me ✓ [Original]

Chapter Thirty-One

Dear Diary

February 21st, 2013

Nathan Flynn

I didn't think I could do it, get up today I mean, by I had to. I just kept telling myself, it's what Darcy would've wanted, she would want me to be at her funeral. My suit was hung on the door and it was black with a white dress shirt and a dark red tie. I took a deep breath before hanging my tie around my neck and then that's when I realized I couldn't tie it, last time I wore a suit Darcy did it for me.

"Nathan?" My Dad knocked on my door and then came in with a sympathetic look on his face. I hated that, it made me feel sadder then I already was and I just couldn't cry, not yet. "Let me help you with that." Dad did up my tie. "You're ok right? I don't have to worry about you..." I knew what he meant, he was worried that I might kill myself to be with Darcy.

"I'm not going to do anything stupid, it's not what she would have wanted." I sat back down on my bed and took a picture out from under my pillow. I remembered that day, it was when she found my Polaroid camera. Dad walked out leaving me to be alone, I didn't like being alone, it just made me think about her even more. There was nothing that could take my mind off her.

"Hey..." Ethan said and then sat down beside me. I put my head down in my hands and sighed. Ethan put his hand on my shoulder, not knowing what else to do to comfort me. "Nathan..." He said his voice breaking and that's when I cried again I just couldn't hold it in. I missed her so much it hurt, and I didn't want it to hurt. Ethan hugged me and I held onto him. My brother was yet again there when I needed him most.

We went out the door together and I spaced out as we drove. I fiddled with Darcy's ring, and kept her picture close. Matt looked emotionless, but his eyes were full of tears, so were Tristan's and her mother was leaning against Matt crying. I didn't want to get out of the car but I knew I had to. Ms. Silver was the one who noticed me first and she let go of Matt to come over to me. "Nathan sweetheart, she loved you so much, I hope you know that."

"I know." That was the first thing I had said in a while. "I loved her too." I mumbled and then I heard my name being called behind me.

"Hey, how you holding up?" Reese asked, looking a little distraught himself. Ciara was beside him, with her arm through his. She was silent, which was unusual for her. I just shrugged, not knowing how else to answer Reese's question. "Are you speaking? She would have wanted you to." I looked at Reese, knowing she would have wanted that, but I just didn't know if I could.

"Maybe..." I said and then ran a hand through my hair. "Ciara?" She looked up at me, and then I didn't say anything else. She had tears running down her cheeks, and I gave her a small hug. I bit my lip so I didn't cry as I walked back over to Ethan. He gave me a pat on the back again.

"Time to go in." He said, I knew this wasn't easy for him either. Darcy was his friend too, she was there for him and helped him throughout having cancer. I knew it wasn't easy for him to be the strong one, but he knew he had to be. For once I felt like the younger brother and he was the one taking care of me.

"Nathan..." I didn't expect Matt to come and talk to me but he did anyway. "I want you to come sit with us. You were as much family to her as I was." I followed him not looking back because if I did, I knew I might have just ran out those big wooden doors. That was the first time I really looked around. Her picture was sitting up front on an easel and beside going up the few stairs were flowers in bright colors.

The priest stood at the podium and cleared his throat. "We are gathered today, to celebrate the life of a 17 year old girl, who was taken from us all too soon, Darcy Silver. She's an inspiration to us all." I sat with my elbows on my knees and wiped away each tear as it fell. That's when the church door opened and everyone looked back. It was Skye, she didn't look herself, no one really did at that matter. She looked right at me and then sat down in the back.

I wiped my hands on my pants as Ms. Silver began to walk up to the front with Matt close by her side. "My daughter didn't let anything get her down, she was stronger then anyone I've ever known." I knew it was my turn to speak and I got up feeling myself shake. I started to walk up but the nervous feeling just wouldn't go away. My head pounded, and my throat started to feel dry.

"I can't!" I yelled and then ran out of the church. I felt like such a coward, and I felt like a disappointment. To Darcy... "I'm sorry!" I said to the sky and sunk down to my knees.

"Nathan?" I heard Skye's voice behind me and then she walked in front of me. She put her hands on my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. "It's ok... You can cry if you want to..." I just cried into her, and then she pulled me over to the bench so we weren't sitting on the pavement.

"I'm such a disappointment, I let her down..." Skye looked at me in disbelief.

"No you didn't Nathan, you could never let Darcy down." Skye rubbed my back and then opened the palm of my hand. "She wanted me to give this back to you." She laid my Mom's cross in the palm of my hand and then walked back into the church.

"Hey." This time it was Tristan. "We're all going over to the bar, my cousin owns it so he let's us in. You can come if you want."

~

I sat down on the ground with a bottle of vodkain my hand, staring down at Darcy's grave. "They're children..." Imuttered not quite sure who I was talking to. "They think drowning theirsorrows is going to make everything ok again... But it's not." I knewdrinking a bottle of vodka by myself wasn't going to help anything but thatdidn't stop me from drinking it. "All the hurt, all the pain, is stillgoing to be there in the morning..." I sighed and took a swing from thebottle and felt it burn as it went down. "I can hear your voice in my headnow... It makes them feel better Nate." That sweet voice, I wouldn't beable to hear for much longer. "So? What's the point of not feelingsomething for a day, when you're going to have to feel it for the rest of yourlife?" I asked the stars, the sky and the trees, there was nothing elsearound me. "Because when you lose somebody, every drink is not going tochange that all you have is a hole in your heart where that someone you lovedused to be." I looked down and the moonlight lit up her grave stone."And a grave stone, that has dates on it that don't really mean athing." I felt myself crying, as rain began to pelt down on me. "NowI'm just stuck here, replaying those few months we spent together... I miss youso much Darcy... I love you so much."