My Heart's in Alabama

43 - Matt

As I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, Kiersten and I's argument runs through my mind like a rollercoaster with no brakes. The words we said play over and over, going around and around, spinning me upside down, and making me sick. I have no idea what to do now or how to fix it. I want to hold onto the hope that I can fix this, but the cold reality that we might be broken beyond repair lurks behind me like a shadow. Maybe this is just how it's supposed to be and I was too stupid to realize that it was always going to end with me messing everything up.

I groan as another wave of guilt hits me and in a fit of frustration, I squash my pillow over my face and let out a disgruntled scream. I should just forget it, pack my bags tonight, and leave. She's better off without me.

"Hey, bud," I hear my dad say with a gentle knock on my door.

I pause briefly, debating whether or not I want to let him in, before grunting "come in" through my pillow.

"You alright?"

"Yes," I groan, pillow still on my face, making me sound even more pathetic.

My dad reaches over, pulls it away, and raises his eyebrows at me.

"You sure?"

I don't bother answering because, honestly, one look at the sad state of me and it's obvious that I am in fact, not alright.

"I told Kiersten."

My dad looks over me lying there and makes the safe assumption.

"I'm guessing it didn't go well."

"She hates me."

"I doubt she hates you."

"Yes, she does. We got in a big fight and she called me an asshole."

"Well, were you being an asshole?"

My dad looks at me sternly and waits for me to speak even though he already knows the answer. He and I both know Kiersten would never say something like that if it wasn't true.

"Yeah," I say in a low voice, because I'm embarrassed to admit it.

"Did you apologize?"

"I tried, but she wouldn't let me."

I keep my head down and eyes away from him. I don't need to look at him to know he's disappointed in me for making such a dumb excuse. Hell, I'm disappointed in myself. My dad senses this, and thankfully, skips the lecture. Instead, he lets out a heavy sigh and softens his tone.

"You gotta give her time, that's all. This is a big change for her, too. You've been a constant in her life for so many years and she probably feels like her world's being turned upside down. Getting upset and maybe lashing out a bit is a perfectly normal reaction, especially if you feel you handled yourself poorly."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Look at it this way, you and I fight, but we come back together, listen, and apologize. That's what you do when you love someone. You come to an understanding."

I nod my head, because I understand where my dad is coming from, but at the same time, there's one small problem.

"Kiersten doesn't love me though."

"I gotta disagree with you there, bud.Whether it be through friendship, romantically, or brotherly, she does love you."

I know my dad means well, but it hurts to hear him say she loves me when I know it isn't true. Even if it were true, whatever love she had for me is certainly gone now.

"Not anymore she doesn't."

"I know it may feel that way, but trust me, love doesn't disappear that quickly. For better or worse, it sticks with you. Give her a sincere apology, maybe a little space, and she'll come around. I'm sure of it."

I stay quiet to give myself time to think. Kiersten deserves an apology, he's right about that, but I'm still so lost. I've never had to apologize for something like this and I don't trust myself to get it right.

"Should I text her?"

My dad shakes his head, "this is something you need to handle face to face. She deserves a conversation."

I was afraid he'd say that. I know that's what she deserves, but after screwing up so badly the first time, I'm scared. I don't want to mess up again and make it worse.

"I don't think I can. I'll say all the wrong things."

"I know it's hard, but you gotta be brave, bud."

"I can't," I say, shaking my head.

If I knew how to be brave, I wouldn't be in this situation.

"Yes, you can. I believe in you."

"No," I push back. He may believe in me, but I sure don't. "I can't. She's just gonna hate me more."

"You have to try, Matty. You owe that to her."

I keep my head down. Damn, why does he have to be right about everything?

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll do it. I'll talk to her."

"All right," my dad says. "Good. Now, get some rest, okay? You can make it right in the morning."

My dad gives me a little pat and heads back to his room. On his way out, he wishes me a good night's sleep. I thank him knowing full well ain't no way I'm sleeping tonight.