My Heart's in Alabama

41 - Kiersten

Matt gives me a sheepish look as I put the pieces together. Matt hasn't been sneaking around with some girl, he's been talking to his mom. His mom! This is so much bigger than my petty jealousy. Yes, I'll admit it, I was jealous. So stupidly jealous that it stopped me from seeing the very real issues Matt has been going through. What a horrible friend I am. So focused on the wrong things. No wonder he's been so distant lately. I haven't been there for him. I've been too wrapped up in my feelings and this...this...silly, I don't know, crush? But is it really a crush? Is that the right word? Does it count as a crush, if you're not even sure it's a crush? Or does the fact that you're contemplating whether it's a crush or not, solidify that it is in fact a crush?

Ugh. There I go again. This is not about me. Matt's mom is back in his life. That's huge, life-changing news. Push it back, Kiers. Matty needs you.

"Why is your mom calling you?"

"Because..."

He stumbles over his words and acts nervous, like he's scared to tell me the truth. God, what happened to us?

"Because," he stutters. "Because she promised me she would."

I shake my head in confusion. There's so much missing information, I don't even know where to start. Even saying there's missing information is inaccurate as hell. There's no missing information. There's no information at all. Who? What? When? Why? How? All the most crucial parts are as nonexistent as dirt on Mr. Purdy's kitchen counter.

"I don't understand."

Matt's eyes shift back and forth and he swallows hard. He's a bit panicked, like he got caught stealing or something.

"Look, it's not a big deal."

He turns his head and turns on his heel. He keeps his head down and quickly brushes past me aside to avoid the subject. Or more likely, to avoid me.

I don't get it. I don't know where I went wrong. Why is he running away from me like this? Who am I kidding? I know why. I changed. I started having feelings I'm not supposed to have. It all started after he got hurt. When we laid next to each other and everything got so confusing. Ever since then, we've been drifting farther and farther apart. I know I shouldn't be so self-absorbed and not take it so personally. I know my feelings don't matter here and I need to get over myself, but I can't lie, it hurts. I wish he would just tell me what's going on.

"Wait."

I grab him by the shoulder and spin him around so he has to look at me.

"Talk to me, Matty."

"I..."

He looks at me with puppy dog eyes. He's sorry. He wants to tell me, but still he hesitates. My fists ball up in frustration. All I want to do is shake him and scream "tell me!" I know how selfish that would be, but I'm so desperate to feel close to him again, that I can barely hold myself back.

"Meet me at the lake later," he spits out and practically runs away, leaving me behind once again.