Lost in the Shadows

23

The next few days I just sat at my window watching the children play in the snow and the older grumpy people stomping in the nuisance. I didn't have to go outside to understand how cold it was. In the day time I could see people in these huge jackets, hats, and shoes, things that seemed to be nonexistent in Georgia.

Night time was my favorite though, that's when things seemed to quiet down and leave me alone in my thoughts. I would watch the leafless trees sway while the wind blew through the branches. I also enjoyed the peacefulness of the smooth snow just inching higher and higher until a person would just walk by and ruin it with their foot prints. Then I would watch it all over again.

I haven't gone outside in a couple of days due to my lack of motivation. Jess Gave up on trying to drag me out of the apartment ever since yesterday when I couldn't stop crying when she asked me what was wrong. She hugged me and made me hot chocolate, but she knew that I wanted to be alone.

I wanted to tell her everything about the lies, secrets, confusion, my questions, but most importantly how abandoned I felt. Wes knew that too, he knew everything about my past and he didn't care. If anything he used it to his advantage. And I still slept with him, another thing I would never get back.

That's the thing that bothers me the most. Not the fact that he lied or played me. The problem is me. I knew as soon as I laid on eyes on him what he was, I knew as soon as started hanging out with that he would eventually leave, I knew that as soon as he kissed me that I would be too deep to leave, and I knew as soon as I gave him that part of me that no one else has touched that he would be able to forget us and I would always remember him. I don't regret it though. I don't regret anything and that's what really upsets me.

I once promised myself to not become one of those girls in the romance novels we read. I didn't want to be seen as weak or naive, yet here I am mourning the loss of us. We weren't even together, do I have the right to be upset? Or am I just another girl crying over a breakup with a boy whom she never dated. However, I have had a falling out with a boy that I never dated and it's never felt like this. This feels like falling, constant falling, without being able to pick yourself up or save yourself. It feels like every bone in my body is frozen and sore and I can't leave this room. My head feels like it's spinning uncontrollably as if there's so many thoughts running though it that I can't focus or see straight.

I groaned as I leaned back on my wall. I can't sit on my bed, I don't sleep on my bed because it feels too soft. The bed makes me feel like I'm being strangled and suffocated, I haven't slept though.

"Dani," Jess knocked before sitting down on the floor next to me. "You don't have to tell me what happened but it's my duty as your best friend to make you leave this room, come on," she said pulling my arm up. She then went into my closet and pulled out a pink teddy jacket and legging. "I invited a few friends over, I didn't tell them what was going on though so don't worry."

"What are we doing," I croaked with my voice that hasn't spoken in days. Jess looked at me and smiled noticing that I have finally spoken.

"I know you have never seen snow before so we're going to show you how to enjoy it," she laughed as she sat on my vanity stool. "So do you want to talk about it?" She asked quietly as if she wasn't sure how I was going to react.

"Wes and I aren't going to see each other anymore," I told her causing her to nod her as if she already knew that's what my moping was about. "But I know I know it's for the best and I can't keep sitting in here closed off from everyone," I explained as I threw on my clothes that she had already laid out.

The doorbell rang so Jess and I walked out into the living room to let in Charlie, Sasha, and James. "Let's show this southern belle how the north has fun," Charlie shouted pulling me out of the apartment and down the stairs.