I See You [REWRITING]

chapter 38: great one

My mind runs in circles over the next few weeks, never feeling so lost in my entire life. Everything said to me leaving me in cycles of wondering if there is a way to fix my misfortunes. If there was something I could have said, or done to change our fate because all I can do is think about it.

Every time I see Felix in the halls, in editing the yearbook, on my walls – it takes everything in me not to fall apart. My heart in such knots that I don't think I can ever undo them. The state of my heart forever in pieces, and yet squeezed together so tightly that I can hardly hold myself up.

I feel different. Less like myself and more like a ghost floating day by day, and I know that at some point I'll start to unravel myself from this pain. Maybe in a few more weeks. Maybe in a few more months. Maybe in a few years. Or maybe, I'm full of myself and this pain will last me a lifetime because despite what everyone else has said – this wasn't some relationship leading me to my great love.

It's not a stepping stone.

It wasn't a relationship to kill time, or until I grow up.

It's the real deal.

My great one.

And I'm left feeling like everything that happens from this point on means nothing without him there to share it with. Dramatic or not, it's the fact that the only person I want to make this better is Felix. I considered the words my parents said, and then Greyson. All it's done is leave me with a pain in my stomach I can't undo, and I want to take it all back.

My fight with Felix, us breaking up. All I want to do is turn back time and take everything we said back. I want to be supportive. I want to be the person he needs, to fight for us. To make it work, but then I think about Greyson's relationship with Mia. She was so special to him, and I thought they'd stand the test of time.

They were so in love, and then suddenly Greyson stopped talking about her and it all fell apart because of distance. Less distance than will be between Felix and me, so if they couldn't fight it. What makes anyone think I can survive it? Mia and Greyson were together longer than us, and if distraction is all that it caused them. It won't be any different for us, and I won't be a distraction for him.

He worked hard to get this, and without telling me – I know Berkeley is his dream. Time away from his family, is exactly what he needs and I won't stand in the way of that. I can't be in the way of it. I won't hold him back. 

I can't. Despite how much it kills me.

"Want some company?" Riker asks as he comes out of the backdoor, walking down the stone steps toward the pool where I sit.

I shake my head as I sway my feet gently through the water. "Not really."

"Ah, well, that's just too bad," Isaac says, sitting down on the tiled edge next to me. "You're getting some."

I turn my head at the sound of his voice with a frown on my face as he undoes his shoe laces and sets them aside, pulling his socks off before dipping his toes in the pool water. Riker doing the same on the other side of me, rolling up the legs of his pants.

"Want to tell us why you're out here being so gloomy?" He asks.

"I'm fine."

Riker chuckles, "Yeah, tell us another story."

"What's not to be fine about?" I question. "Mom and dad's relationship is back on track. Dad's moved back in. We're finally a family again. Things are normal, so...why shouldn't I be happy?"

"Because you fell in love," he says softly, trying to meet my eyes but I can't look up from my feet and the glistening of the clear blue water. "This isn't the normal you wanted. It's the normal from before Felix, but there's only after Felix now, isn't there?"