Suffocating

One Phone Call (Trigger)

Sophie.

Mom didn't talk to me on the way home. She stopped the car in the driveway but didn't turn the ignition off.

"Mom, I'm sorry." I said, not liking the silence between us.

"Do you not like it here?"

"What? Of course I do."

"Are we not being attentive enough?"

"It's not you, mom."

"I wish you would talk to me about what's bothering you."

There was so much I wanted to tell her but I didn't know if I felt comfortable telling her everything about Calvin. It wasn't her problem and I didn't want to get her involved. Would he even want me to tell someone else what was going on?

"I'm worried about Calvin. Something's bothering him and I just can't figure out what it is."

"Have you tried talking to him?"

"I don't want to push him."

"Sophie, I'm sure he won't think of it like that."

I shrugged. "I'm all the time asking him if I'm being too clingy and he says I'm not but I feel like it. I don't want to say the wrong thing."

"Did you say anything to him at school today?"

"He wasn't at school."

"Did you call him?"

"He doesn't have a phone right now. His sister said he slept in but... I don't think he'd do that."

"Do you want me to call his mom?"

"You'd do that?"

She leaned over and kissed the top of my head. "Of course, sweetheart."

I was pulling up the number for his mom, that I'd gotten from Ashley, when Ashley's number came up. I scrunched my eyebrows together but answered. "Hey."

"How fast can you get to the hospital?"

"What's going on?"

"Calvin's on his way to the hospital."

"He didn't..."

"He's okay but he has to stay at the hospital a few days."

"I-I'll be there. I'm on my way."

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Mom offered to wait at the hospital but I told her to go home. I didn't want to make her stay. She had other things to worry about.

She hugged me for a long time and it made me jealous. Not jealous of myself but jealous that Calvin's mother wasn't a hugger. That she didn't hold Calvin like my mom held me. Maybe jealous wasn't a good word. It made me sad.

She kissed my forehead before she left.

Calvin's parents were with him in the room but he was still sleeping. Ashley and I stayed in the waiting room to give them some space.

Ashley sat down beside me, watching the nurse behind the small desk. Calvin was in a small room, in a section of the hospital away from the Emergency room. That meant less staff and a little more privacy.

"You know he loves you."

I looked over at her. "We haven't been dating that long."

She shrugged. "When you love someone, you love someone."

"Did he tell you?"

She laughed. "He didn't have to. I can just tell. I mean, what guy would go to the trouble of looking nice for school?"

"Jocks do that-"

"Come on, Sophie."

"If he loved me, why would he do this?"

"You should ask him. Don't let him off the hook for it."

"He's not okay, Ashley. I don't know what it is but there's something wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think it's just 'suicidal thoughts' he's going through. I think there's more to it."

She turned toward me and there were worry lines on her forehead. "Don't push him into anything, Sophie. I know you care about him and I know you love him, too. But Calvin's more stubborn than you can imagine. He hates when someone tells him to do anything. If you try to tell him there's something wrong with him, he may listen or he may do something stupid to try and prove you wrong. He'll push you away."

"He needs to get better."

"He knows that. Deep down. But we can't force him to get better if he doesn't want to."

"I just don't know how to help him."

"Don't try to fix him. You'll only hurt yourself."

I sighed. All I wanted was for Calvin to get better. I wanted to help him study for a biology test he didn't want to take. I wanted to watch stupid movies with him just because we could. I wanted to hide in stairways and avoid class. I wanted things to go back to normal but I didn't think they ever would.

"Sophie?"

Ashley and I looked at the doorway to Calvin's room. It was opened just enough that his mom stuck her head out to look at us. I couldn't see him but I knew he was there.

"Calvin wants to see you."