Boyfriend for Hire [minsung]

Chapter 13

HAN POV

I have to be the stupidest person alive. Those people that willingly jump between buildings? Ten times smarter than me. That guy that jumped into a pool of crabs on a dare? He's a genius compared to me. That other guy that goes into swamps barefoot seeking out pythons? Triple my IQ.

How could I possibly have allowed myself to get sucked in? Why did I do this to myself? Lee Know had left me at the ice cream shop mid-date a couple of weeks ago. He'd decided then and there that he didn't have feelings for me.

He had only invited me to be his fake boyfriend out of mere convenience...nothing else. He didn't find me attractive. How could he? Seungmin was taller. Seungmin's cheeks didn't puff out like a squirrel's when he ate. And Lee Know definitely didn't like me as a person. Not when I had so many anxieties and headaches and was so clumsy. Nobody could. I'd been unlovable for years. My roommates had moved out after my last diagnosis because it had been too much for them to be around me. How could I have possibly expected a borderline stranger to accept all of me when my friends of many years had given up on me?

I stumbled up the stairs, unable to see the steps clearly through my tears. Lee Know probably hadn't even heard me trip. He'd be too consumed with Seungmin, of course, to care about me.

By the time I made it to the room, my head was spinning in a million different directions. My brain felt like a whirlpool. I shot towards the toilet and threw up most of my food from yesterday. My head was pounding, and I had to stand slowly, using all my strength to pull myself up using the counter. I finally made it without much vertigo and headed to find my medicine. I took more of the pills, noticing that I only had a few left.

I debated whether I should listen in on Lee Know and Seungmin's conversation but decided against it. I had made up my mind yesterday that I'd rather feel loved as a fake boyfriend than be rejected and alone like I'd been before he found me. I'd stick to that. I didn't want to be alone again.

Before the revelation this morning about what had taken place in the bathroom, I really thought Lee Know was beginning to feel something for me. He'd gone down on me, he'd cuddled me to sleep, and the kiss on the ship last night felt too real to be nothing. I was questioning my ability to decipher real from fake. I needed him, to be honest with me and lay out in the simplest of terms what he was actually feeling...if he felt anything at all.

I sat on the bed with my knees to my chest. I'd been taught that sitting like this could help with dizziness and maybe even headaches. My head was spinning so much, though, and it didn't seem to be doing anything at all.

I tried to focus on breathing, and I stared at a fold in the comforter, unwavering my vision from my chosen focal point. Sometimes having a place to keep my vision made the dizziness subside.

I heard a door creak from someone finally heading down to the living room. I wondered what state they would find Lee Know and Seungmin in. Had they come to a decision about whether or not to date? Maybe they'd left to find Jeongin. Maybe they'd be fucking on the sofa and get caught by whoever it was heading downstairs naked.