SMILE ✔︎

W I T H O U T H E R

W I T H O U T H E R

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A U G U S T 1 8 , 1 9 9 8 (A FEW DAYS LATER, DONT WORRY IT WILL FLASHBACK)

my windows are still boarded shut.. I don't have the energy to undo them.

I don't have the energy to do anything, just stare at the empty ceiling, wishing and hoping that she will be okay...

I can't stop thinking about it.. about her mouth full of murky brown water that had just began filling and seeping into her lungs.

I just wanna see her happy again... see her smile...

I ... I messed up and hurt her... and I never wanted to do that but...

Hopefully one day she can forgive me for not loving her the way I should've...

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F L A S H B A C K

A U G U S T 1 6 , 1 9 9 8

"Please! Kel!" I scream, giving compressions.

Quick enough she coughs up water and I grab onto her, "oh god Kel please.. I'm so sorry."

But she just cries, not being able to answer. "It all hurts!" She cries, sticking her face in my chest.

"I'll help you... I got you I promise.. I'll make it better.."

But she's bawling in my arms, and I grab her, pulling her up, and running out the back door, water pooling in the pharmacy easily.

My shoes wouldn't let me run, they were too wet, so I kick them off and hold her close. "I got you.."

But I don't know if I do.

She was so cold and wet and she was struggling to breathe, constantly more water being coughed up onto the back of my shirt.

"Why?" She mumbles..

"What?" I ask, running down the alleyway until I get on the main roads.

Everything smelt like salt water, but I still smelt the light scent of lemonade. I grab onto her soft thigh while my right hand holds her against me trying to make her as safe as possible.

She was soaked and so.. so cold.

And this time I couldn't give her warmth like normal..

"Why me?" She cries, as she coughs again, but she stars crying harder, "it's bloody Royce... it hurts.."

"I couldn't see what I had Kel..." I say, and I'm trying to be strong but my eyesight is filled with tears, falling down my cheeks as I hold onto her.

But she doesn't speak, and her body is going limp slowly.

My heart races as I look anywhere, but trees are falling in the roads and people can't get to me.

Tears stream down my face.

I never thought I'd be this close to a death again... it reminds me of my abusive foster dad, trying to carry him when I was fifteen because he has drank too much.

But now... now I love her.

And I don't think I should've been scared of her leaving, I knew she would come back.. she looked so happy that day... and I was finally myself again.

I should've been scared of her getting hurt... I shouldn't have taken her to the pier.. it was too close to her parents.

This is my fault, and now...