Say When

T W E N T Y - S E V E N

I grabbed at the short fibers of the carpet and tried not to wince or jerk away. I sat on the carpeted floor of Aunt Pat's living room between her legs as she braided my hair swiftly. I could see in her mirrored cabinet in the far corner of the room that she was not only quickly but precise.

She'd completed ten even rows slanted across my head in the thirty minutes I'd been there and only had a quarter of my hair left to. But it hurt like hell. The pulling on my tender scalp was something I should be used to. Jax stepped out to the apartment to take a call and promised to bring back chocolates and a grape soda. That left her and I here, finishing up my hair and watching DVR recordings of "Divorce Court".

"She never should have married that nigga in the first. Knew he ain't have no damn job." She said to the TV. I threw out a respectful giggle. I wasn't the best at first-time meetings and to have to come and ask for a favor made me feel even more awkward.

I quizzed Jax on the short drive over from my East New York neighborhood into Brownsville. The rundown houses dissipated and gave way to rolling brown towers of apartments densely packed into each block. She was his Mother's sister. Lively, quick-tongued, and a jack of all trades including hair.

"Maybe she thought he would do better. She loved him." I said. I decided to engage in conversation. Perhaps it would distract me from the pain in my scalp.

"You're young now but once you get older you'll learn how to look at what a man is rather than what he can be. It'll save you a lot of trouble." She stopped braiding and lightly jerked my head to the side to make her point.

I felt like she was wrong. Shouldn't we always see people for their potential and not their current circumstance? I bit my lip nervously, wanting to talk more but I harbored the need to stay likable and respectful. It wasn't lost on me that this was the first member of Jax's blood family that I was meeting. It wasn't his Mom or his Grandmother yet but I was getting closer to the inner circle.

"But what if you feel like he can change your life?" I said. I watched the couple on the screen point fingers back and forth. I couldn't imagine Jax and I ever being like that. But I could also imagine that couple, at some point, being in love like I was. Something had changed. Something broke.

"Change can be positive or negative, love." Auntie Pat said. That gave me pause. I tried to think about what happened in my life in the few short months since Jax came into it. He'd taken me places that I'd never thought I would and made me okay with me in a way that I once feared would never be possible.

But even that---that contentment with myself--felt precarious. As if it could fly away with a gentle wind, like the discarded wrappers on city streets. The tears came quickly. I tried to wipe them away quickly with the sleeve of my t-shirt before she noticed but I was not swift enough. Auntie Pat stopped braiding. She took a deep breath before speaking.

"My nephew likes you. I can tell that he cares. But Jax is a lot like his father," she exhaled, "When he gets locked in on something, he goes all-in for it. But he can only focus on one thing at a time and that thing, whatever it is, is the most important thing to him. You just have to be able to tell when that thing is you, and when it's not." She finished.

I feared she'd given this speech before. I wondered if any other girls had sat here before between her knees and cried over her nephew. Or maybe she'd given this speech to her sister, Jax's Mom.

We heard the key turn in the lock. I wiped the fresh batch of tears that had run down my cheeks from my eyes and she resumed braiding as Jax entered the apartment, still talking in hushed tones on the phone. I nodded my head gently though just to let her know that I had heard her. She gave my shoulder three reassuring rubs. Received.