Say When

T W E L V E

I wore my headphones through Art class and threw angry colors onto my canvass. It wasn't the surrealism we'd been asked to create but it was real to what was inside of me.

Rita allowed me space and I hurried through the rest of the day. At home, I locked my room door. I heard Sharon knock to tell me she was leaving and I returned a grunt just to let her know that I heard her.

I buried myself under the covers and let tears keep me company.

I woke up to a pounding on my door.

"Bri, get up now." My father' voice seeped through the fog. I struggled to focus and get to the door. When I opened it my Dad stood there. Smoke was practically rising from his head. Hands on his hips.

I rubbed my eyes and glanced out the window. It was dark. I'd been asleep for hours. It had to have been a while for my Dad to be home. I looked around for my phone instinctively.

"You didn't give your mom her medicine." He was frustrated. We'd been at odds for days and it wasn't like us.

My Dad and I were a team. We always had been but recently our team was not in sync and it was mostly because of me.

I'd taken pride in being there for him. Of neighbors saying "She's so mature!" when they'd see me pushing a cart full of groceries for my family. But now I just wanted to be seventeen. I didn't want to run a household.

"I fell asleep."

"I see that. That's all you do lately. Sleep and run off with God knows who." His voice boomed at me. Now I was frustrated.

I left him standing in the doorway while I retrieved my cell from my bed. I looked through my phone for messages or missed calls that I knew wouldn't be there.

"It was just one time. I missed ONE time." My throat tightened and my neck got hot. I continued to click around aimlessly on my phone. Still no word from Jax and now I was getting yelled at.

"All it takes is one time Bri. That medicine is one of the few things keeping her alive. You act like you don't care."

"You act like you don't care! You don't give a shit about me." I started rooting around on the floor for my sneakers. I refused to look at my Dad's face.

I couldn't take that right now. I felt like the walls were closing in and I desperately wanted to get away. I collected my keys, wallet, and phone and brushed past him.

"Where are you going?" He followed behind me. I had no idea where I was going. I just wanted out. I closed the front door behind me and ran down the block.

I stopped at the entrance of the subway station. It was all too much. I just wanted to stop feeling so miserable. I wanted to feel the way I felt with Jax that night.

Close to someone, seen, and loved. It was simple but it was the only thing I couldn't have at the moment. He just wouldn't come to me.

My lungs burned. I was breathing heavily. I shoved my hand into my pocket and grabbed my phone. I called Jax. The automated robot told me that he wasn't available.

"Jax. It's Bri." A few beats passed. I didn't know what else to say. I disconnected. A city bus rolled to a stop near the corner. People filed on from under the bus shelter leaving it empty.

I walked over, my legs trembling the whole way, and sat down. My eyes were cloudy with tears. My neighborhood a blur around me. I dialed him again. When voicemail switched on I hung up.

I gripped my phone tight and bit back the urge to scream. I'd called more times than my pride wanted to admit. I was out here alone.

I thought of calling Rita but she'd already dragged me about calling him at all. I didn't tell her about us...in my room. She didn't know what we'd done it. Why the fuck did I do it?