Unlikely

10. The Calm

[Sasha]

A full week had passed with no acknowledgment from my father about what happened. My dad had been home a whole week and was about to leave again for several weeks, and all we had were topical conversations which made me upset and depressed. All I could see was my family falling apart. Daddy barely around and not connecting with us, Rashad becoming more and more reclusive as he grew into his teenage years, Saniya barely coming around due to her disdain for Daddy and her controlling boyfriend, then there was me trying to hold things together the best way I knew how.

I watch from his bedroom doorframe as he packs the suitcase he would be taking on the road with him. Rashad is out with friends, and of course, Saniya is not here, so it's just him and me so I watch.

"Oh hey, Babygirl, I didn't see you standing there." He sounds familiar like the dad I used to know. His voice wasn't thick with intoxication, and for the moment he wasn't depressed. At a time in his life, my dad was a supervisor at a moving company who came home happy to his wife and kids but ever since mom died it was like he'd been running...running from this apartment, his children, this town, and even thinking about her which is why he drank. Because of this, Saniya lost respect for him years ago, Rashad only recently, and it was slowly taking a toll on me.

"Daddy, I don't want you to go." I whine, and tears fill my eyes like a little girl. I used to cry for him to stay home all the time when I was a kid.

"Sasha, come on now, what is this?" He stands before me looking confused. Instead of answering him, I throw my arms around his waist and place my head on his shoulder taking in his scent of Irish Spring soap and Newport Cigarettes.

"Why can't you stand to be around us anymore?" I look and feel weak at that moment, and I hate it. "Can't you see that we're not even a family anymore?" I wipe tears from my eyes and step back.

A pained expression overtakes his face. His kids were the only family he had. He was the only child of a single mom that died of old age maybe a year after Mama so you would think that he'd fight a little harder for us. "I'm not doing this right now."

"You never do anything--"

"I provide for you kids--"

"Daddy that's not enough!" I cut him off tired of holding my peace. "I was attacked by a boy last week, and you weren't there. All I wanted was you, and you weren't there." I stand there with tears on my cheeks as he stares back at me with dark, brown eyes like my own.

"Sasha Rae...I--"

"Mama wouldn't have wanted this, and you know it." With the mention of Sharece Campbell, my dad breaks. He sits leaned over with his head resting his hands. The way his emotions take over is why he refused to visit her grave, or talk about her, or stay too long around his children that had her features. "I miss her too. Sometimes I miss her so much that it hurts and I try to hold it all in and I try to help out around here as much as I can, but I'm breaking too." I wrap my arms around my body and hold myself tight as I think about all the things that I've kept from him because I thought he couldn't handle. Omari's hands on my thigh and that menacing look that he gave Saniya, Rashad's poor grades, the torment I've faced in school, my anxieties about growing apart from the only two friends that I have, and the fears I face about losing what's left of my family; it was becoming too much for me to handle on my own.

"Come here." He stretches out one of his arms for me to come to him. I accept his offer sit with him on the bed.

"I'm sorry. I just want things to change." I cry almost unintelligibly.

"Don't apologize, you're right I haven't been the best dad, and your mom would hate me for it. But seeing you break down like this makes me realize that I have to do better." He squeezes me in a tight, awkward hug but I wouldn't have it any other way. "I'm going to do better," he says more to himself than to me.