On Set

20

Months passed without any contact with Chris. After our fight we just stopped talking and that hurt. It hurts losing someone you've grown so close to. It's hard to just stop talking to someone that you used to talk to everyday. But we both needed space, it was the healthy and right thing to do.

Thankfully my life had become normal again. The reporters had gone away, and peace and quiet filled the office. I was thankful for that, because I could focus on my work again. My time with Chris made me realize that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was. So now I go to a therapist about my problems that will always haunt me. Some scars are fading, others will stay. That's just how it works.

I found peace with myself again. I was no longer stuck between choosing him or me. Allison, my therapist, told me I never had to choose between him or me. She said I could have choosen to be me with him. Guess that was my mistake. Well after all, this was all my fault.

Of course I don't regret falling in love with Chris. Yeah, by definition I fell in love with him. Allison, helped me figure out, well I already knew that, she just helped me come to terms with it. I was glad I spent my time with him, because I learned things about myself that I wouldn't have learned otherwise

It was weird being without him. Every now and then I'd flip through the TV channels and see his favorite TV show and want to watch it with him. I'd think of a joke he would find funny and wish I could tell him. I would imagine him laughing at it, making the room brighter and my heart lighter. I'd wait all day to tell a story about work to him. But he wasn't not there.

I wondered if he thought of me. When he closed his eyes does he see me? When he was alone at night did he wish I was next to him? I hoped he thought of my kindly and with fondness. I hoped time would take its course and one day I'd be a fond memory. Right now it still felt like I had cut off something vital. My heart was sore from missing it.

Time went on and I was fine, I was making bigger improvements. I took Whitney's suggestions on dates. She set me up on a couple. They weren't him, but no one ever will be. And that's fine, what we had was amazing, it was real and beautiful, but it ended. It was time to make new beautiful memories.

Crystal was in town for a weekend and we all went to a bar that was walking distance from my apartment. Crystal, Whitney and I had fun, singing along to the songs that came up. We joked around and laughed too loud. I carefully sipped my beer, knowing if I drink the whole thing I will get more than tipsy. Yeah, I still have the same tolerance level as a toddler. Whitney got engaged a couple months back so she liked talking about her wedding plans. Crystal and I of course are bridesmaids. It was fun to see Whitney so excited. There's something so magical in seeing your friends grow and get excited for their future.

They purposely didn't ask about Chris. And that was fine. I would've rather just had a laugh with them. At the end of the night we tumbled back to my apartment to watch movies that reminded us of our childhood. We recited Clueless as we watched it. And at two in the morning we're dancing to Beyonce and making brownies. Being wine drunk with your best friends is the best kind of drunkenness.

We danced around the kitchen doing the Single ladies dance. Whitney was the best dancer in the group. Around three I got a knock on my door from someone complaining about the noise. I apologized but as soon as the door closed we were laughing and giggling again.

It was five when we fell asleep. Well Whitney and maybe Crystal were asleep. I just watched as the sky started to turn lighter. The three of us were squeezed into my bed. Laying there I watched as the sky turned from dark to light and it reminded me of when I sat in Seville with Chris.