Secrets Until Someday

Chapter 48

Brooks's POV

I hated myself for falling apart in Sydney's arms but hearing my name fall from her lips, all of my restraint came crumbling down.  The numbness I had felt all day disappeared the minute I looked into her eyes and it was as if I was seeing the reality of the situation for the first time.

The armor I had tried so hard to place around my heart was tarnished the minute she touched my skin and the tears burned as they fell from my eyes. It was only when my mom walked in on us that I knew I had to pull away from her or I would have stood there in her arms forever, never wanting to resurface back in the world. I could tell by the tone of my mom's voice that she was upset seeing us together and I couldn't blame her. The memories and the moments of distance my relationship with Sydney caused my family are ones I'll never get back. That's the guilt I'll carry forever but I'll do everything I can to make it up to her, to our family, to my dad. 

I felt the armor go back up the minute I stepped away from Sydney and I was grateful it had. I owed it to her and to my family to be who they needed me to be. Putting Sydney through anymore wasn't fair when I knew I would never be able to be the Brooks she needed ever again.

***

The next few days passed by in a blur of haziness. I avoided Sydney more and more as we got closer to the funeral because the more real it became that my dad was gone, the shame weighed on me heavier every time I wanted to hold her, kiss her or tell her how much I loved her. Sharp pangs of regret shot through my chest whenever my dad would enter my mind. All I could do was stay busy helping mom with the arrangements to avoid any of the grief that was trying to push itself back to the surface and the more I refused to let it out the further it buried itself within my heart.

I didn't sleep much but I managed to fill the hours by researching how to finish my senior year of college online and sifting through papers in my dad's office, staying up to date on residential renovation projects Dawson Development Corp was in the middle of. I had helped my dad with the business since I was a young boy, it was what he was grooming me for my whole life but sitting here in his chair, doing the work he should be here doing I felt like nothing but an imposter. The tension in my shoulders grew and when I could no longer hold my eyes open I leaned back in the chair and tried to find some sleep. 

***

On the day of the service, the house was quiet. All of our family that had been showing up the last three days told us they would meet us at the church. I put on the new black suit Layla had picked up for me, tied a tie around my neck, and took a deep breath to prepare myself for the events of the day. My hands trembled at the thought of laying my father to rest and nausea filled my gut. I knew I had to be strong for my mom and sister, but I didn't know how to do this, how to say goodbye to him.

 My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door my heart began pounding quickly. My heart silently wished that maybe it was her, maybe Sydney had stopped by to check in on Layla and me and at that moment she was the only person I wished to be on the other side of that door. My head told me that was the dumbest fucking thing I could wish for. After another soft knock, I pulled the door open to reveal my mom, relief, and disappointment filling my chest. 

My mom was pale, eyes red and puffy, but I could tell she tried her best to disguise it with makeup. She looked nice considering and I thought about telling her that but how do you tell someone that they looked nice to go bury their husband? So I just looked at her instead, waiting. 

"I thought you might want to wear this," her voice timid and hands shaking she opens up her hand to reveal a silver tie clip with a round end that had an embossed D printed on it. My dad's favorite one.

I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I could taste metal trying to hold back any of the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. I watched her long fingers move slowly as they reached for my tie and clipped the piece of jewelry to the fabric. She laid her hand on top of it and let a sharp breath out at the sight. I pulled her into a hug allowing her to fall apart in my arms. When she finally walked out of my room I looked into the mirror that lay across the top of my dresser and it was as if that small tie clip weighed 1000 lbs. I didn't deserve to wear this, but I didn't want to upset my mom, so I pulled my chin up, did my best to hide the guilt and put on my best face. 

***

Sydney sat in the row behind my family sandwiched between her parents. She tried to comfort me when she got here, hugging Layla first and then reaching out for me. I allowed her to hug me but my muscles stiffened under her touch. I couldn't let myself relax or I wouldn't be able to hold back everything that was trying to fight its way through. I saw the disappointment in her eyes as she walked to her seat. I clenched my fists at my sides as I resisted reaching out and grabbing her, pulling her back to me but that flash, that sting of pain every time I looked at her paralyzed me. I saw my dad in her face, like a punch to the gut every time I looked into her eyes. So I cleared my throat, straightened my shoulders, and sat tall next to my mom wrapping my arms around her as she fell apart when the preacher began to speak.