My Brother's Best Friend

1|| A New Start

For my whole life, my brother's friends have always been a huge part of my life. It felt like I had an even bigger family than I already did.

I have an older sister, Ashley who had moved away. My older brother, Keith, who quite frankly deserves the world (and also has the best choice in friends). And my younger brother, Dylan, who I never really see even though he lives at home with me.

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A few years ago, my older brother and his friends all headed off to colleges all over the country. I never realized how important they were to me until they did this.

Every time my brother would come home, a part of me wished I would see them. I never did.

It hurt but eventually I stopped thinking of them... well all but one.

Before they went off to college, I developed this annoyingly obsessive crush on one of my brother's friend. His name was Justin. He was always very sweet to me and after they would smoke, he would practically beg me to make him cookies.

Apparently my hormones had it out for me, because I kept this crush for 4 years.

It was off and on, but when it was on, I would've bet my life that I was in love with him.

He was the guy I wanted. He was rebellious, smart, and cute.  He was about 5'8 but that was tall to me because I am 5'3. He had a dirty-blonde hair color, nice muscles, and pretty brown eyes.

Two summers after I had developed feelings for him, I heard my brother mention he had a girlfriend. However, it didn't break my heart like I thought it should've.

Instead, I felt relief. It made me feel like maybe I could finally move on. After all, I wasn't going to be seeing him anytime soon.

Months pass by, that turn into another year, and all of which, I never saw him.

It made me feel crazy because my best friend at the time would run into him everywhere.

I tried to tell myself to stop feeling for him— to lose hope, but I just couldn't let go of him.

Anytime something bad would happen, I would internally beg to see him. I would pray that somehow this man who probably forgot about my existence, would come to me.

Ridiculous, I know.

After not seeing him for exactly three years, my dad got very sick. I wanted Justin to come just help me cope and tell me everything would be okay. But big surprise, nothing happened.

Thankfully my father got better, but my heart was still torn.

I wanted to like him, hell at this point I wanted to hate him.  But deep down, I knew this could never work out.

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At this point, I had realized that none of my brother's other friends would be my type, Andrew was a dull, boring pothead. I tried to understand why he always ignored me, but I haven't found my answer yet.

The summer before they left, he would always come find me and tell me hellos or goodbyes. Then that Christmas break, I surprisingly saw him, and he gave me the most awkward hug and then completely ignored me.

I tried to understand why but I couldn't. I still don't know why.

It broke my heart because he was like a brother to me. Part of me thinks he's in love with me or something, but that can't be it. If you're in love with somebody wouldn't you want to be nice to them and give them attention?

There was Ryan who would never be my type, ever. He was kind of nerdy and I was never physically attracted to him. Then there was Colin who was also not my type. He was very similar to Ryan in behaviors.