Surprise Me Maybe

20. Rocking Boat

Ashton has been away for a few days on a business trip. He won't be home before Sunday, which means he won't be able to have a daddy's day out with Chloe this week. However, my girl has been jittery because she wants to show her dad the drawing she made at school. It's the drawing of Charlotte the pony. I don't even know how to feel about it because she never tried to draw me, but she did put an effort into the horse. I have to say I'm slightly jealous of that Charlotte bitch.

Anyway, since my daughter wants to let her father see her drawing once he's back from the trip, without any delays, I decide to stop by his place after work to slip Chloe's paperwork into his mailbox. Otherwise, I will go home and deal with her nagging all over again for the whole weekend.

With the envelope in my hand, I saunter to Ashton's building entrance and make my way to the mailbox hall. He left his spare apartment keys on my nightstand on the night we had sex in my house, but I still don't see the need to use them for something trivial. And in all honesty, it feels like we're moving too fast at the moment and a voice in the corner of my mind keeps reminding me that I need to be careful. A car crash on a highway is always deadlier than one with a low-speed limit.

The mailbox room is situated in the entrance hall before we reach the door to the main lobby. Since there are not a lot of apartment units in this building, finding his number would be faster than finding a document in my drawer. It's when I see the familiar redhead standing in front of Ashton's box, prompting me to stop short on my spot.

"Diandra?"

She stops rummaging through her bag before pivoting on her heels, her eyes seeking the voice that has just called her name and then our gazes meet.

"Hi, Charlotte." She looks surprised but she forces a smile as she greets me. Her face is as pale as the last time I saw her at Chloe's party, or maybe because this is the first time I see her without makeup on. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh." I wave the envelope in my hand. "Bringing in Chloe's drawing that she wants to show off to her father. And I can ask you the same question. What are you doing here?"

"The same thing as what Chloe's doing. I want to show off the first picture of the baby. It was taken today," she replies, her somber eyes turning slightly brighter.

I tilt my head, trying to make sense of her reply. "You do a baby photograph?"

"No." Diandra chuckles. "It's the ultrasound photo of our baby."

My brain still has trouble digesting her line but my stomach churns for some reason. "I'm not sure I'm following you."

Her gaze turns softer. "Ashton hasn't told you, has he? Chloe is going to have a sibling. Yay." Diandra squeals weakly.

"What?" My voice comes out as a whisper. I swear that the world has stopped spinning right now, or that gravity declines my existence since I can't feel my legs anymore.

Diandra puts her hand on her rather flat belly, rubbing it in a circular motion. Her eyes twinkle under the corridor's light, contrasting the exhaustion on her face. "It explains why I've been feeling under the weather lately." She smiles widely, a pure joy smile. "It's terrifying that I just found out I was pregnant at four months, but it's also a miracle to me! I was already accepting that I will never be able to conceive, but look, this little kiddo is coming at the perfect time..."

Diandra's words knock the wind out of my lungs. I can't breathe. I need air.

The next sixty minutes are a complete blur to me. Diandra must interpret my inability to move as my willingness to listen to her happy babble about her pregnancy; about her anxiousness for only having five months to prepare for the baby's arrival. I've seen her in all kinds of emotional states since I knew her, but this is a different Diandra. She looks genuinely happy and content.

After forcing myself to congratulate her, I dash back to my car and drive to my house. At least, the universe is kind enough to let me be home safe and sound in this state. Once I park my car in the garage, I trudge to my bedroom and crawl onto my bed, crouching in a fetal position.

Confusion, betrayal, humiliation, anger, and sorrow intertwine into one big ball of numbness. I can feel it bouncing inside me, but I can't seize it, let alone unravel it. I just feel numb. Shouldn't I cry now? But why can't I cry?

Feeling the faint tightness in my chest, I close my eyes to mentally block my brain from processing the reality I have just discovered. But the more I try, the more all those painful thoughts circulate in my mind.

Ashton found out about the pregnancy last Saturday, in the morning Diandra came to his place. I knew there was something off about him, yet he chose to lie to my face. Strangely, he became needy and made me believe that he'd been terribly missing me after a few days of talking only through texts and phone calls. I thought he just wanted to have quality time together with me as a couple. We had sex, we talked, then had sex again, and cuddled for the rest of the night until the time he had to leave. After making sure Chloe was still fast asleep, he went home at four in the morning, bringing the untold truth with him.

How long is he planning to keep this information from me? Until Diandra's belly is big enough to hide the bump? Or until he figures out how to get out of this twisting situation and ditch me without creating drama?

I begin to believe that he chose me just because I'm a convenient option. He doesn't have to split his non-existent free time between his child and his date since Chloe and I are a package deal. Now that he's going to father another child, a child from the love of his life, it's just a matter of time until he realizes which package is going to offer him a better deal.

The growing tightness in my chest is getting more prominent, making it hard for me to breathe. My head throbs as the conversation Diandra and I had two weeks ago plays in my head.

"I know you're too blind to see now because you're in love. I can't blame you because what's not to love about him? But you've only known him for months. It should be me who said 'I wouldn't be so confident if I were you'."

She's probably right. I trusted him, yet he did this to me, keeping me in the dark as if I don't matter, as if what we had in the past month meant nothing to him. I thought I'd found the man who could accept me for whoever I was. I almost believed he might have been the one. Oh, how wrong I've been.

What do I do now? Wait for him and see what he's going to say? Maybe we can still work it out. But how? By juggling between taking care of their newborn with Diandra and having a daddy's day out with Chloe and me? Or by buying a big house so that the five of us can live together as a happy family? Or maybe he will ditch her for me so that we can focus on our little family and ignore the fact that one of his children out there lives in resentment? None of the options makes sense to me.

What hurts me the most is he lied to my face about the talk he had with her that morning. No matter how bitter the situation is, I prefer to hear it from him than find out this way. I feel left out and humiliated. Don't I count? Don't my feelings count?

Anger rises from the pit of my stomach before it starts pumping through my veins, slowly but surely. The corners of my eyes start to sting, followed by a tear sliding over the bridge of my nose before it wets my pillow. Another tear falls, accompanied by another, and another. I crumple the sheet into a ball in my palm and squeeze it as hard as I can until I feel my nails digging into my flesh, hoping that the pricking sensation can take over the torment in my chest.

It doesn't.

It just doesn't hurt me more than Ashton did me.

Why is he doing this to me?

⚡⚡⚡