The Weight Of Deafness In Love And Survival

Chapter 13 - Give Anything

My mind is still reeling as I climb the ladder to return to my spot on the upper level of the dropship. I couldn't believe what I had just done. Not only did I do what I did physically but I spoke to him. I had gone out to get to the bottom of myself and Murphy instead I back out and then do that to Bellamy. Just what was I thinking? I let him get to me when I should've just ignored him like Clarke told me. I should've just talked to one of them about Murphy instead of going myself. Doing that was a hundred times worse than just talking to Murphy or telling Clarke or Wells about Murphy.

Once up top I pause and look around finding Jasper breathing shallowly and not moving as much as he was when I'd left meaning he wasn't currently stirring and fighting against the unconsciousness, just being unconscious. Clarke is back and tending to Jasper, her face concerned and determined until she pauses and glances up and over to me, probably hearing me. "You good?" She signs to me then, but I don't respond to her and just avert my eyes from her, finding the only other person up here was Monty, who was still engrossed in the wristbands.

I look back at her then, finding her just looking at me, waiting for my response. I swallow hard before I slowly raise my hands and sign to her "I did something stupid." Might as well bite the bullet and come clean...and actually talk to someone about Murphy. So, what if I got locked up here with Jasper. It'd keep me away from Bellamy. I might actually find out an answer for who Murphy was to me. And it's not like I didn't do that out in the open. Wells and or Octavia and or Finn probably saw.

Her eyebrows shoot up before she sighs, sets the strip of cloth in her hands on a seat behind her, gets up, sits in the seat next to it, and pats the seat next to her. I slowly head over and sit down, averting my eyes from her a moment, before looking at her again and she signs to me "What happened? From the beginning." Releasing a sigh I then quickly sign to her "I think I know Murphy from before. I went to confront him but backed out the second he turned around and ran straight into Bellamy. He got to me again, so I got him back." Her face scrunches a moment before she signs "Got him back how?"

I hesitated for a moment, my face starting to heat as I remembered the encounter, before signing "I asked him if he would really be mine if I took off the wristband. Then I got close, really close, and told him I'd die before I let that happen." Clarke's eyes widen in surprise before she sighs, her eyebrows furrowing, and signs "Hold on. You talked to him? Actually, talked to him?" I nod but that's when Clarke looks towards the ladder saying "She's up here." I follow her gaze to see Wells coming up from the ladder. He must have called out if she'd seen me and must have witnessed what happened or at least what I'd done.

The second he's up top and turned around his eyes scan around before they land on me and then jump to Clarke as he quickly signs, his hands moving the fastest I've ever seen him sign, "Do you know what she just did?" "Yes, I know. She was just telling me." Clarke signs with a nod causing Well's serious face to relax a little before he looks at me and signs, his speed still quick but not as fast, "Why would you do that? He's dangerous Cooper. He's just trying to provoke you."

"I know. It's just, I had the idea that two could play his game. I know it was stupid and I regretted it the moment I started, but I couldn't back out until I got to him like he got to me." I sign causing him to sigh heavily before signing "What were you even doing to begin with? I only noticed you when you ran into him." "I think I know Murphy from before. I went to confront him but backed out the second he turned around." I sign repeating what I'd told Clarke before finishing "That's when I ran straight into Bellamy." Not adding anything else as he witnessed what happened after that.

Wells sighs heavily again before he signs "You should just ignore them Cooper. So what if you knew Murphy from before? He's still a criminal. A dangerous criminal." "But-" I start to sign back but Clarke reaches out and stops my hands. I fully look at her and she removes her hands from mine before signing "Wells is right. Stay away from them." A stern look on her face. My face scrunches and I start to sign again "But-" but stop, my eye's widening, tears starting to build in them, and my hands simply dropping the second Clarke quickly signs, faster than I'd ever seen her sign before, "But nothing. He's not Jona. Jona is gone."

I couldn't believe she just brought Jona up like that. Of course, Murphy wasn't Jona. I hadn't even been thinking he could have been. Jona was dead. One of the many bodies of the flu victims that had been jettisoned out of the Ark.

Clarke then realizes what she's done, her eyes going wide, and starts to sign "I'm sorry I-" but I look away from her shaking my head as the tears start to fall. I didn't want to see it. I didn't need to see it. Slowly I get up, move to my spot on the floor, lay down, face towards the wall and back towards them indicating I was done, going as far as to remove my processor and set it on the ground, and curl up a little as the tears stream from my eyes.

Jona is gone and never coming back. I know that. It just hurt having that fact pointed out to me from someone else again. Especially now that I'm living our dream of being on Earth without him. I would give anything for Jona to be alive. For everyone to have just lied to me. For Murphy to be Jona. But that was impossible.

I wipe some tears from my eyes with a sniffle I didn't know made sound or not. I should just listen to Clarke and Wells. I should just ignore not only Bellamy but Murphy too. My mind wouldn't be such a mess if I would just do so. Murphy had to have been just someone I'd known back then in passing. All my horrible, impossible, thoughts were because he was familiar and I still would give anything just to see my best friend again. I would give anything for him to just be alive.