The Flynn Effect

56 | love is pain

Jo

IT'S SNOWING HEAVILY outside the windows of mum's car and I have layers of fur jackets piled over my lilac dress but I'm hot inside. I'm so hot that it feels like I'm going to combust soon.

"What's happening?" I ask once I sense the car slowing down. My voice is dry and croaky from crying myself to sleep and waking up with tears this morning.

"Traffic is slow," Mum says from the passenger seat as Drew slows the car to a pause behind the lights of another car. She hesitates before she continues. "It's the snow. We might be stuck here for a while. By midnight, it's going to be a blizzard."

Today is one of the days I hate living in Lakeville. Towards the end of the year, the weather conditions become extreme and it's something I've always dreaded but accepted because there's nothing I can do about it. But right now, I'm not going to sit here and wait for traffic to pass while someone I've quickly bonded so tightly with is getting laid to rest a few kilometers away.

"Okay," I say, grabbing my bag from the end of the seat. "I'm going to walk there if I have to."

Mum shakes her head. "I'm not letting you do that. It's freezing outside."

"I'm already late," I say, exasperated. I feel sick and my eyes are teary already. "I promised her I'd attend. And I let a stupid low delay me for thirty minutes before I could even function."

"That's not your fault, Jo and you know that."

"Well, I don't really care whose fault it is right now, mum," I grit, forcibly cleaning the tears that have leaked down my cheeks. I'm rude right now but she'll forgive me later. "I just need to go and you're not going to stop me."

Drew looks back at me from the driver's seat. "Hey, relax, okay?" He says calmly. "Calm down. I know a short-cut that should take us there in a few minutes."

"Okay." I nod, pressing my hands against my face to stop the tears from running like a dam. Mum sighs and hands me a tissue and I accept it from her before using it.

"I'm sorry mum," I meekly apologize and she pats my hair gently.

"It's okay," she assures me. "And you're going to be okay."

It takes Drew a while but he eventually manages to maneuver his way out of the traffic jam before driving through an alley. I slump against the cushioned seats and lower my gaze to my folded hand-written speech. It's crinkled at the corners and there are damp spots every here and there as a result of my tears falling on it.

Drew parks behind a line of cars as soon as we get to the church and mum helps me out of the car like I'm handicapped. She won't let go of me and I know it's because of what happened this morning. She'd made it to Christmas even though she didn't expect that but I'd told her she was the strongest person I knew and then two nights after, at exactly 3:14 in the morning, I'd gotten a call from Flynn. He wasn't crying and he didn't sound mad. He just didn't sound like himself and even before he told me about Ellie, I'd already figured it out. I'd woken Drew up after that and he drove me to the hospital to confirm my suspicions.

For the past few days since we lost Ellie, I've almost not been able to comprehend it. Until, I woke up with a low this morning because I didn't take my insulin since I cried myself to sleep yesterday night and seeing the church standing right in front of me, makes it even more real.