Lou x reader (one shots)

Let Me Go.

Hi everyone💜
I'm back at writing now and will slowly be getting through your request! Sorry for the long hiatus, I hope you all enjoy :)
Requested by: @ilovehotactresses
❗️TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, DEPRESSION, SELF DEPRIVATION❗️
Please do not read if triggered by any of these.
I'm sorry this is sad, I'm still suffering myself so it's the best I can do.

In vague red light the clock read 1am, tears rolled softly down your cheeks as you looked into the dead of night right outside the loft window. Two hours ago everyone had gone to bed after a long day of catching up with each other, Lou told everyone to stay and that it would be like old times. An hour ago you where still awake in the loft attic by yourself while the familiar numb feeling spread all through your body.

You couldn't stop thinking about how all their lives have changed, you tried so hard to be happy but it broke like glass in the pit of your stomach. You hated it. You hated yourself. Tammy had another baby, a girl she called her Haley? Ashley? You couldn't remember. Rose and Daphne have just gotten engaged and where showing all the plans for the wedding. The wedding dress examples where enough to make a void spilt through your body. Nine and Constance take off in a couple of weeks for their trip around Europe. You couldn't help but wonder why you wasn't invited as you was pretty close to them at some point.A slap in the face. Amita and her husband just opened a new jewellery shop in the centre of New York where the gang all went for the opening party, your invite never came. Then the biggest blow of them all your Debbie and Lou they revealed they have been dating for some time in fact the night after the last heist you all pulled together, nearly a year ago. The way they looked at each other, how hidden messages where sent with just one look. You felt like you'd died a thousand deaths. You wanted to be happy for them all but you couldn't help the feeling of jealousy and abandonment after the year that broke you.

A full year of calls going to voicemail, text being ignored and simply wiped from all their lives. You didn't know what you had done to deserve the treatment they all gave you. Racking your brain, for a sentence or a thought you had given for them to treat you so... nonexistent.

They'd all turned to you after smiles where shared, your hair at this point had fallen into your face, like your last strip of armour to hide from their brutal gaze. Nails pressed into the raised and angry skin on your forearms hidden by a thick jumper in the height of summer. No questions where asked. Your mouth hurt from the forced smiles and congratulations you had managed to say, now it was your turn to tell them all how wonderful the past year had been for you. But oh how different that was. How do you tell them about the pain, the suffering. The number of incidents where you'd ended up in hospital, no one came to visit. No one left flowers. No family. No friends.

When you looked up, you saw the way they all stared at each other, like they where waiting for you to tell them exactly that. You just shrugged and excused yourself to the bathroom, where everything broke. Looking through cupboards you'd found the familiar glint of silver, an old friend. You'd put it in your pocket waiting for the right time, as you glimpsed in that mirror you saw how you looked, your mascara had dried and cracked the perfume you wore now stale and droplets of sweat had ran down you face taking your foundation with it. You didn't care, ugly was how you felt so why not look it.

When you came out you was met with a familiar figure of Lou, she shoved you back into the toilet and locked the door. You managed to place the blade in your hand in the back pocket of your jeans as she looked you up and down. When you met her eyes it seemed like she was silently begging you to tell her what had been going on, but then again so was you.
It felt like hours trapped in that bathroom, you was sweating more, the jumper getting heavy as it soaked up your perspiration.
Lou was the first one to speak 'how are you?...I want the truth.' Her voice was a slight too high and her eyes where glossed over. Why would she care? She's ignored you for so long that why did it matter how you where doing?
'I'm fine...really' the tone in your voice was non existent and reflected the empty shell you'd become. It sent a dagger through Lou's heart. 'Well, we're happy you came Y/N. It's been so long since we where all together.' She said so tenderly like she knew how one more word could make you break. You nodded your head as you squeezed your forearms again, only this time you felt the stream of blood run down as you'd broken the scabs. You didn't care. They'd left you like you was nothing.

You met Lou's eyes and what should've made you cry and confess what was going on,left you feeling empty. Lou saw the way you looked at her how there was no one there anymore and the guilt she felt washed over, they'd been so busy with their own lives they'd not even thought about helping you. When you'd call them in the middle of the night they hadn't thought it was urgent, they'd always say they'd ring the next day but that never happened. All the events and plans that had been made your name had never been mentioned, why? Because they all knew what was going on and didn't want to face it. They knew you was hurting inside and out, how your life wasn't how it should've been. So they ignored you and shoved you out to protect their bubble of happiness and not let the guilt consume them.
Oh how the fucked up, you walking through them doors made the realisation of how they'd let you down was too much. Debbie had grabbed Lou's hand a little tighter and Tammy had gave a small gasp that only the girls heard.

You was more dead then alive, 'Lou can I please get out of here' that broke the blondes thoughts, she didn't want to let you go but then again she already had. 'Of course. Sorry darling' that nickname what used to spread fire through your lungs was no more, the flames now damp and burnt out. When you left you went back to the kitchen and acted like nothing had happened, you faded to the back ground and waited for night to come.

Now this loft was nothing but a box you felt trapped in, deciding it's best to leave now instead of false goodbyes in the morning ,you dried your tears and grabbed your keys and shoes ready to leave and never see them again, this trip proving how you should've never came here and how it was better to let your suffering take you.

As you was heading out the front door you failed to miss the bodies of Lou and Debbie sat on the steps. As they'd turned you could see that they had both been crying, what had happened? 'Y/N, where are you going?' Deb had stood up from her seat and slowly came towards you, if it was a year ago you would've came up with a lie but even now you didn't have the energy to care anymore. 'Home, I'm going home.' you looked between the two of them. 'No you don't have to do that, please stay.' The desperation in Lou's voice was clear, 'I'll make you some tea and we can chat.' She tried to walk you back inside but you'd had enough. They'd left. And only now they want something to do with you, in the shadows of the night and only whispers, like you was some filthy secret. 'No, Lou I'm going home, please just let me go.' You pushed past feeling the brush of both their fingers trying to stop you. Debbie followed you to your car, 'please Y/N, please don't leave, I'll do anything to keep you here.' You don't know what happened but an anger had been lit in you, all those times of hurt where you tried to reach out. The knife stuck further in.

You turned around and looked at the two women, the hurt in your eyes as tears now freely poured. 'How dare you.' You shouted as your voice cracked. 'You both want me to stay but how come for the past year I've never felt so alone in all my life. I have tried every single day for you or one of the girls to talk to me, you've all been living these amazing lives while I've been here alone suffering. You never bothered to offer me a hand then, why are you doing it now.' You cried, for the first time in months you felt the anger you'd buried, the pain punched you in the chest as you realised that you couldn't do this anymore. Lou stepped closer to Debbie 'please Y/N we know we've done damage and we're not asking for forgiveness but we can't let you leave, look at you you're not alright, I don't want the next time we see you to be at your funeral.' Lou shouted, the numbing feeling covering you're face as it was silent for a second. 'You weren't there then, so please don't try to be now. Just learn from this that you can't treat people this way.' You stuttered out as you fumbled with your keys in your hand and turned around to open your car door.

'We know you where in hospital.' Debbie shouted, was that meant to be a threat? Or a cry for help. You turned around swiftly glaring at her, Lou grabbed her shoulders to take a step back. It was clear they didn't know what to expect of you, was you really such a monster to them? Tears flooded your face as you realised this was doing more harm then good, without a word you turned around and got in your car.

Debbie was shouting your name as Lou disappeared inside to get her car keys, you blocked it out as you started the car and slammed you foot down wanting to get as far away as possible. You couldn't go home they'd be there. Loneliness was welcomed in the small space of the car. You didn't put the radio on your thoughts too loud. All you wanted was peace and quiet.

I'm sorry this is sad :(, should I make a part two? 💜
Be kind.