Catching Texas

Anything Like Me

Texas
It wasn't any secret as to how I got my name. I was named for the state in which my mama grew up -- where she had the best years of her life. Somehow, I doubted that they were the best years.
Texas is where she met my father, the man who treated her poorly, beat her and would eventually murder her before taking his own life and as a result, orphaning their three children. I didn't understand her reasons for naming me.

Until Aunt Rose approached me on my wedding day with a letter and a sad smile. She explained to me with teary eyes that she had found a box of letters stashed in mamas personal belongings when we first moved in with her and uncle Dane. They were each entitled to one of us girls and a specific day that they were supposed to be given. I couldn't ask any questions, my throat was clogged with tears. Aunt Rose obviously knew this because she simply kissed me on my cheek and ordered everyone leave the bridal suite. With shaky hands I gripped the envelope and flipped it over, eyes burning with the effort of holding back tears. I instantly recognized Mama's elegant scrawl.

To my Texas, on her wedding day.

A part of me was hesitant to open it -- I wasn't sure why, but I felt that opening the letter would somehow break a part of me I had kept together for so long. I had decent memories of Mama, small fun trips to the park when daddy was away, secret treats that no one could take; they were really the only things I had to hold on to. It was no secret that my father hit my mother but no one had bothered to stop him. Aunt Rose and uncle Dane had been too far away and by the time Mama had grown tired of allowing daddy to get her, it was too late. What good could come of reading this?

I wouldn't know unless I opened it, I decided. So, unsteadily I broke the seal, trying to calm the thready beat of my heart.

My sweet Texas,
If you're reading this I'm likely not there to give it to you, and I am so sorry my sweet little Blue Bonnet. I've dreamed of the day you and your sisters married from the moment I found out about each of you. Texas, today you will marry what I hope and pray to the Good Lord above is the love of your life and I'm so sorry I'm not there to meet the wonderful man you've chosen. I pray he is the kind of man that worships you for the sweet, kind woman that I know you're going to grow to be and that he loves you beyond measure.
I want you to know that I love you and that you and your sisters were the only reason I went on some days -- because looking down at you and seeing your father shine through, these were the greatest moments of my life. Once you're back from your honeymoon your Aunt Rose will give you another letter, one that is intended for all three of my girls. Please, Texas, do not hate me for what you will find out.

I love you past the moon, my little bluebonnet.

Mama

I stared at the words for so long that they began to blur. Her hasty handwriting on the inside had my stomach filling with dread. I really didn't know what she was saying in the end of her letter. What truth?

I wanted to figure out what she meant immediately, but a knock on the door pulled me away from any remaining thoughts of my mother's letter.

Uncle Dane's dark head poked in and told me that is was time, a soft smile on his tanned face. My hands closed around the letter and I simply laid it aside, breathing slowly as I stood and headed toward the door.

"You ready, baby girl?"

And instead of dwelling on the thoughts of my mother, I focused on the man who waited for me at the other end of the yard.

"Always."

*

As it turns out, it was eight months from the day Knox and I married that I was given a letter from Aunt Rose, which also happened to be the day I announced my pregnancy to the rest of the family -- including my dumbfounded husband. It took quite a bit of wrangling to get him to let me go talk to my sisters privately, but I managed it. While the rest of the family was celebrating, the three of us were upstairs with revelations all our own.

The letter was a page long this time and it was tear stained. Her greeting was to each of her babies, and an apology for what was to come. It was a drawn out letter for the most part, the apology taking up more than half a page, but we understood why as I read the last bits.

Arizona, you my baby, were named after the state in which I met my soulmate. His name is Caine Hailey. Gavin dragged me there after he quit his job at the mill and the only work he could find was with an old friend of his from school, Caine. It didn't happen right away and it was never something I intended to do -- at that point Gavin had never hit but he made it clear that I was a mistake he'd never intended to make -- but Caine made me feel like a goddess and he promised to take me away from the hell I was in.
Gavin found out, how I will never know, and packed us up and drove off in the middle of the night.

No woman of his was going to leave him, not unless it was in a pine box. Somehow I convinced Gavin that the precious life growing in my belly was his and for the whole 9 months, he treated me as a queen -- but never forgot your father. As the time passed and you grew, my sweet Wren, I never thought I would see Caine again.

But, I did. And that, Tennessee, my sweet iris, is where you got your name. He searched for me. For years. And in Tennessee he proposed and we married before packing up everything I could get my hands on and hiding out in Texas.

And, lastly, my bluebonnet, this is where you get your name. For the six sweet months we lived in peace in Silver Falls, Texas.

The man you knew as your father, Gavin, found us. He nearly killed Caine -- and took me back. The day he found us was the day I found out I was expecting another Gift from God: that was revealed to be two. There was no denying you weren't Gavin's.

My sweet babies, I love you, and I am so sorry that I couldn't tell you myself. Please don't hate me, my loves.

If you find Caine, like I know you will try to, and succeed, please tell him that I still love him and that I will meet him at Heaven's gates.

I love you past the moon,
Mama.

August leveled a look at me, one I knew was mirrored in both mine and Tennesse's eyes.

"So... dad-- Gavin wasn't our father?" The amount of relief in Arizona's voice doesn't surprise me, it only echoes the feeling in my heart. Looking at Tennessee, I can see a flash of pain across her face.

"Essee?"

"I have something to tell you guys," she croaks, a tear gliding down her pale face. The knot that had unfurled was wound tightly again and this time, I'm not sure it will come undone.

"Me, too." Whispers Arizona.

And the world seemed to come crashing down around just as we had finally seemed to built it up.